Amuzing Bits

Sensible Observations

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather- who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his
car."
--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get
a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin"
and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the
bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with
it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life ...
without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to
leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance
pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a
temp."
--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her
out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
study:
"Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

10) "Know how Chicago got started? Bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case
of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from
smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people
burn
slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is
the same."
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member
of Congress. But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student.
At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've
thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
Disease" was taken.
-- Unknown, presumed deceased

20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll
have another beer."
- W. C. Fields